Sunday, 9 July 2017

This is not a Crisis


When I was a child I fell in love.
And it was madness.

So no surprise
That I still look for you
That in truth I see you.

Every day
A glimpse
At the edge of my vision.
A movement
And my heart stops
Dead.

I hear you speak in another voice.
He says my name and I fall apart.

I blaze.
I flare.
Consumed by the shame
By the flame
Of my teenage crush.

It's not you, it's me.
It is Him, not You.

So sudden
I am older.
One day I wake
And understand
That I am old.

How unfair, I think.
To be free of my fertility
When all that men can see
Is my absurdity.

I reinvent
Reconfigure.
I am fragile
I am strong.
No spare flesh on these fine bones.

My clothes are black.
A widow's web.
None small enough to fit
The fragments that remain.

My locket is silver
Our child asleep within.
My amulet.

Rest?  Rare.
Peace?  Impossible.

I dance.
I sing.
I paint.
I write.
I throw my self
on the pyre
that is love.

Who am I?
I am a risk-taker.
Un-mitigator.
I lose my inhibitions.
I have nothing else to lose.
For all is lost.

Except...

I am alive.
More than before.
Fierce and free
I am ME.
Vibrant with energy
Afraid of nothing.

Except myself.

Oh yes.
Believe.
I am afraid of me.

I am dangerous.

Beware, take care.
You!
You who are not Him?
Stay well clear.
Guard yourself.

Trust me when I run away.
It is for the best.
For this shy mess
Is not to be trusted.

Leave me alone to haunt the fields.
To rattle in an empty house
Like the skeleton I have become.

But

If my hand creeps out to you,
Seeking connection.
Please stand strong.
Let me hold on
For dear life.
Until the pain subsides.

I promise to let go.
Releasing that ring
That brands your finger.


16 comments:

  1. WOW! I like it, encapsulates all.

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  2. Gave me goosebumps, you have an incredible way of expressing what many of us can't even attempt to 😀

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  3. Gosh. That's like a novel condensed to one page. Great writing.

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  4. I concur with Athene. It reads as an/the distilled essence. Wonderful and intriguing.

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  5. Incredibly moving, with an astonishing self-awareness You know yourself much better than you think; you have nothing to fear. You have faced, and are facing, the most difficult thing in the world. You are a survivor. Hold to that. Thinking of you.

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  6. Ah Roo..I have read and re-read your poem. I am so moved by your words, your candour. Am I afraid for you?- a little, but with the fragility there is also a strength that I so admire. As I stumble blindly through my own process of reinvention your insights prove invaluable. Thankyou.

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  7. Wow Roo, such raw emotions laid bare in print. Grieving is a long process. Let it out and shout it loud; you will survive. Much love Susie xxx

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  8. Honest and raw....yet strong and knowing.

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  9. Honest and raw....yet strong and knowing.

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