Wednesday, 15 November 2017

Pianissimo

I hold my breath, waiting to move.
A box a day, the packing continues.
A little more slowly every day as I grind to halt, waiting for certainty that this is really happening.

A painting taken away by someone who recognises its landscape.

Family photographs retrieved by The Family.

Someone else's love letters gathered together to await a forwarding address.
C'est très douloureux.
I agree.

And breathe...

It is hardest in the middle of the night, with nothing to hear but the scuttling of mice, the rustling of leaves, the wind, an owl.
The waiting.

I do not wait well.
I reach out in the darkness and there is nobody there.
An unwanted email sent into the abyss.
So sorry, I should not have done that.

In my new home there will be music.
Meanwhile, I wait, pianissimo.










Thursday, 2 November 2017

Friday, 27 October 2017

Changing my View


I hesitate to write it down, in case I break the spell.

I have accepted an offer on the farm, and in turn I have had my offer accepted on a house in the city, or more accurately the Old Town.

It is a charming little cottage on a cobbled street, which I fell in love with at first sight.  It was the first property I looked at: one of only two, because the moment I saw it, I just knew it had to be mine.



And now, when I really ought to be packing boxes or conducting yet another round of deep cupboard excavation and decluttering, I find myself staring at the old maps, trying to locate myself in time and place.

My house is not nearly as old as its neighbours, but I can see from the map of 1870-71 that it is built on the site of another.  The gardens I can see from its windows are still there, in all their leafy splendour.


I had approached my relocation with a feeling of inevitability, but very little excitement.
I was clear that I was waiting for fate to make all the decisions for me.
Which city?
This year or next?

The answers came all at once.
It will be here.
It will be soon.

And now I can allow myself to believe it, I am thrilled.
A place of my own.
My very own, to live in all by myself, a house of my own choosing.

Or did this place in fact choose me?
I believe it did.

I scoured the old Street Directories, year by year, looking for the nearest address to "mine".
And there she is, calling to me from 1855:  Miss C, Dressmaker.

Exciting!

Monday, 23 October 2017

Thinking Outside the Box

Hello - it's been a while.

I went to Hull again.
And came back.
Sigh.

I went to three theatre productions, three museums, The Deep and a private trapeze and aerial hoop lesson!

I also wandered the streets with a map deciding where I would live if the opportunity came up.
It hasn't yet.


Meantime, I have had a lot of interest in the farm.

A move may be happening sooner rather than later.

Where to?


Well actually... I have seen the perfect little house... in Aberdeen.
Really?!

Interesting times.
I am going with the flow.

I was supposed to go on another Fitness holiday this past weekend, but my trip to Hull knocked my workload management sideways and I had to change my plans.

I spent the weekend at home with my knitting, a roll of bin bags and some boxes.


There was a trip to the charity shop.

And several Small Ads listings to clear the most esoteric of the clutter.

Best of all, I went to an aerial hoop class.
I am beginning to think hoop is my favourite circus medium:  trapeze without the rope burns!

How am I doing?
Mostly well, very well.

And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the tears.
Triggers this weekend:

  • a photograph found while clearing out the cupboard.
  • a song on the radio  



The song crisis was interesting.
The moment I started to sing along, I lost it.

Great heaving sobs from nowhere.

Something about the "performance", the forming of those words with sincerity and expression, catapulted me backwards in time.


It is now, not then!
He would have loathed that song!
(We come from different generations... lol)

It touched a very vulnerable spot.

"Ask me what I did with my life?  I spent it with you."


But actually not the whole of my life.
There is more ahead.
Empty, or full of possibilities?

I have to believe in the latter.

Tuesday, 26 September 2017

A Yoga Treat


It would appear that this blog and indeed my life has changed direction.

This past weekend I was immersed in the physical and to some extent the spiritual on a Cowdance Yoga Retreat "Into The Woods".


I am not entirely sure how this happened.  I must have signed up for a newsletter and when a last minute vacancy popped up in my inbox, catching me at a vulnerable moment, I did not hesitate to sign up.  Half an hour later, my train to Ulverston was booked, not entirely sure what I had agreed to do the following weekend, but without much time to worry about it.


It was quite a small group, sharing two mixed sex "dorms".
Three women camped outside in tents / a camper van, which I could understand.
But there was a slight sense they were not part of "the tribe" that first night.
There was a time not that long ago when I would not even have considered going if I had thought I would have to share a room, never mind with strange men.
Ha!
Fortunately, everyone was lovely.
Perhaps the nature of the activity is self-selecting. 
We were a diverse group:  international, of all ages, single, married, alone, with friends or partners. 
There were so many surprising connections to be made and conversations to be had.
Community I sorely miss in my current life.

I was up before daylight, as is my habit, and spent some time knitting my latest sock and writing my journal before the others got up.
Yoga began with a two-hour class before breakfast.
It was intense.
I have probably only been to five yoga classes in my life, so it was a real challenge to take part in such long classes, twice a day.
There were guided meditations round a campfire in the woods.
I realise this is sounding dangerously hippy-ish.
Shrugs.

All the food was seriously delicious vegan home-cooking with dairy add-ons for those who felt the need.
I came home and was inspired to get back to cooking properly.
Nurturing myself after three days of being looked after by others, if only by their very presence.

Back home:  Green pea, broccoli, mint and coconut soup 

Our final gathering round the campfire included a time of introspection.
Asking questions of our various energy centres and writing down the answers.
At the end we could choose to treasure our words or throw them to the flames.
I chose the way of fire.
It was profoundly moving.

Would I go again?
In a heartbeat.







Tuesday, 12 September 2017

Circus Every Day


This past weekend, I went to  the Edinburgh Aerial Acro Convention 2017.
Yes, really.

I stayed in a lovely flat at the top of a 17th century tenement on the Royal Mile.

Luckily I am not scared of heights (anymore) - but the spiral staircase did terrible things to my balance after a day hanging upside down... !


I am very much a beginner in all aerial disciplines.

So even the "beginner" classes were a challenge, because most of the other participants were skilled in at least one area of circus fitness.

I went into each of my chosen classes with energy and enthusiasm, but there came a point where I had to take an observational role, to know when to stop!

That's OK - I was useful to others, because I could often see what they needed to do next, even if I was not capable of doing it myself.

I took two Aerial Silks classes.

My first turned into a private lesson because nobody else had signed up for it - woo hoo!

This was great, because I was able to take my time to break down the mechanics of the most basic "climbs" and "wraps".

I also tried Static Cloud (the loop in the foreground of the above picture).

This required basic trapeze skills (to get up there) but quickly progressed into something springier and swingier.

Really clever people can loop-the-loop, using their own momentum to keep going.

I managed it once and decided that was quite enough for now, thank you :)



A highlight for me was Aerial Cube.

I say "highlight", in the sense that I was deeply intrigued by the prospect of navigating a three-dimensional trapeze-like structure.

I got up there OK, all by myself, using trapeze skills.


And I got down again OK, using monkey bars skills :).

But somewhere in between, I lost my confidence.
Probably when I realised I was too short to reach the top bar from a seated position...

Other people were doing forward rolls over the top bar and dropping to the lower one in one smooth motion.
Me?  Ha!  No chance!

The teacher had me "drape" myself in a horizontal position, with the aim of rolling across from one side to the other...  but I got stuck face-down, flailing like a... flailing thing.
Not very elegant!

I managed to do this though:


I also took Flexibility and Strength classes - both involving pairs' work.

Circus fitness is not suitable for people who guard their personal space too closely.

Ever done a sit-up while a complete stranger is sitting on top of you, trying to push your elbows down to the floor?!

And I tried Corde Lisse - which is basically rope-climbing with artistic dangling once you get up there.  I managed a couple of tiny climbs and then dangled at just-off-the-floor-level.
Not pretty!

On the Saturday evening, some of our teachers put on a show.
Wow!
These are professional circus people and they can do all the things.
I was blown away by all of them, but the highlight was definitely the trapeze piece by Chiara.

Here is her YouTube showreel:


Astonishing.
Terrifying.
Beautiful.
Inspiring.

Not even in my wildest dreams...!

Tuesday, 5 September 2017

Neon Subversion in the Workplace


I finished my Mercury Socks at the weekend.
Today they had their first outing in the workplace.
Anything I can do to raise a smile...


The speckled yarn is Baerenwolle BAERfoot sock in the Birthday Cake colourway.
So sugary my teeth hurt!
As is true of most things in life, the solution was to throw neon at the problem.
The heels, cuffs and toes are by Hand Dyed by Kate: the Sunglasses Not Included mini skein set.

I am not a huge fan of lacey socks but there is something reminiscent of Japanese street style when paired with my patent DMs.
They are my FRUITS tribute socks :)


The Great Decluttering continues apace.  I had the Bothy cleared by the professionals.
Now I can see the floor!
I spent Saturday cleaning it just enough to demonstrate its potential and remove the major Health and Safety hazards (a desiccated rabbit anyone?).



Back in the farmhouse, I boxed up what we shall call "The Archive".
Tiny Blue Notebook 2 and his friends have gained a reprieve until I summon the energy to deal with them properly.

Studies One and Two are both now completely clear of stuff.


Some paperwork had to be sifted slowly and carefully.
My teenage self was a troubled creature and she comes alive through her agonizingly neat handwriting.
The photograph of him holding the photograph of me sums up the whole sorry mess.
But no regrets.
None at all.
All boxed up.  Shut in the cupboard for now.


Other rooms were easier to "stage".
An Instagram friend described the vibe of The Boy's old room as "Amish metal fan"  LOL
Yeah - that sounds just like my son (not!)
I particularly like the leather-covered "Works of Robert Burns" and the wooden flute, left casually on his bedside table...!

The Estate Agent is coming to take pictures later this week.
And then the fate of the farm is in their hands.

As for my own future?
I have plans, and they are starting to come together: slowly, slowly.
As I keep saying, it's all going to be fine.

And until then
I have the circus :)